The South Park episode I’d like to see

In the episode “Probably” (which was the answer to the question posed by the previous episode – Do the Handicapped go to Hell?) a bunch of people find themselves standing at the gates of hell, and the “Hell Director” is explaining the procedures to everyone before they go in. As he’s talking, a bunch of them begin protesting… “Hey, wait! I’ve been a devout protestant all my life!” and “I was a good Jehova’s Witness!”, to which the Hell Director says “sorry, you all chose wrong!”

The crowd demands to know which religion was right and he looks at his clipboard… “I’m afraid it was the Mormons… yes, the Mormons had the correct answer”, the which the crowd sighs in unison “awww….” funny stuff.

I have played a South Park episode in my mind… it’s not a real episode, but rather one that I scripted myself. It goes like this…

Jesus (who is a regular character in South Park) walks around and someone asks him which religion is right. He nonchalantly says “Oh, it’s the Mormons”, to which the person replies, “oh… okay. Hmm…” and then walks away. The guy (we’ll call him “Dick”) has been a devout fundamentalist all his life, and the news that the Mormons had it right is a bit unsettling. He was so sure he had it right!

The rest of the episode then revolves around  Dick’s struggle to reconcile what he has heard with what he has always believed. He grew up being told to be on guard against people who would try to shake his faith… and he has always resolved that he would never stray from it. But here was Jesus himself telling him he is wrong. But he knows he’s right! AGH!! What does he do???

As time goes on, he realizes that he can never betray his beliefs. Jesus must have been wrong. There’s simply no way that the Mormons can be right. He resolves that his religion, his beliefs, and his faith trump any suggestion that they are wrong. Eventually, as his faith in his religion becomes more and more galvanized, Dick realizes that Jesus must not only be wrong, but is actively trying to subvert his faith. Jesus is now the enemy, and the guy immediately sets out on a propaganda campaign to discredit this false prophet (Jesus) as a dangerous lunatic.

Jesus, seeing the propaganda campaign against him, decides that he’s going to go ahead and go public with the information that Mormonism is the right religion. He hadn’t intended to do it, but now he feels like he has to. He goes on TV and let’s everyone know. When he does, people of all religions begin one-by-one converting to Mormonism. After all, Jesus himself says it’s the right one!

But not Dick. Dick ramps up his propaganda campaign, calling Jesus a liar and a fraud. Jesus finally goes to Dicks house and confronts him. Dick is furious and demands that Jesus tells the world that he’s a liar. Jesus says “What are you talking about? Your religion even states that I am the perfect creator of the universe! You yourself worship me! How can you simultaneously worship me and think I’m lying to you?”

Dick screams “BECAUSE MORMONISM IS A LIE!!!” and starts flinging dishes at Jesus. Jesus, at his wit’s end, asks his father (God) to intervene, at which time God appears in the house to try to calm things down. Dick reluctantly agrees to listen to what God has to say, but is enraged even further when God says “Yeah, it’s the Mormon’s. They have it right”. He then begins throwing everything he can find at both Jesus and God and demands that they get out of his house.

Now he ramps up his propaganda campaign against Jesus, and now God as well, as people become more and more baffled by how Dick can simultaneously hate God and Jesus for saying his beliefs are wrong while clinging to a religion that worships them. Still, one-by-one everyone (including atheists) convert to Mormonism until the entire world – except for Dick – is a Mormon. The episode ends with him screaming in the streets at the top of his lungs, collapsing in a puddle of his own brain matter as his head explodes when the whole world stands there, hands on hips, trying to explain to him that he simply needs to accept that he has been wrong all his life, baffled at why he can’t accept a truth that is so obvious that literally everyone else can see it.

Of course, Stan would be saying “You know, I learned something today…”


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